She could not stop her eyes to get lost, hungry, in that scene. A couple was in that crowded bus stop, showing her love unashamedly. She knew this scene is a common thing in our country but her sensibility and the solitude had maximized her need of being loved, needed, and evoked.
It was a fleeting scene but it made her to make a serious decision: No more sensibility! But she knew very well that it was easier to say it than to do it. Where would she find the strength not to follow her heart when she got so excited talking to any boy? Could she be able to repress those hopes that arose when a guy smiled to her or when a guy offered her a flower that was no more than a sympathy gesture?
She was aware of how much her life resembled the stories she read in those useless novels. How could she stop being a dependent person?
Her thoughts made her to miss her usual stop and she realized she was lost. Her daily journey was a mechanical, learned routine. She hadn't gone beyond the stop in front of the gray building, without windows, where their office was situated. So, that mistake made her lose the little emotional stability she still possessed. Part of that stability and the fictitious security she showed every day was based on the knowledge of "her turf". Now she didn't know how to behave. Her mask was falling. It was already very late and it seemed that everybody was late for work that day. Damn the Guatemalan time…!
Guatemalan time was not a part of her life. Her life was perfect, meticulous, detailed. Knowing that she was very meticulous, she couldn't understand how she could let herself to be lost in her thoughts because of the stupid question of sensibility.
She forced herself to find her way in the tangle of streets and avenues of the city. The idiotic boss would scream at her for the first time and those lovely co-workers would gossip about her behind her back as they did with everybody.
That tangle of avenues and streets, complemented with a flood of ice and masks made her feel even more embarrassed. She didn't want to look up and watch the people who passed by her. Those mirror-lives made her to go even deeper into her emotional torture. Did somebody force her to carry out that stupid, annoying, boring routine?
She knew that there was an abyss at her feet and that it was just a matter of one movement and she could drown herself forever in that emptiness. Wasn't it what she yearned so much? To get lost forever in her intimate and loved anonymity. They maybe would bury her as a Jane Doe and in that way, it would avoid her family to feel ashamed of her existential emptiness.
Even in those circumstances, she could show some of her once-famed brilliant intelligence, always praised by all those that knew her. She was remembered with pain and pity. - Poor girl - they used to say - so intelligent when she was a child, we all thought she would go beyond any of us.
Where was the brilliant career they seemed to think she would obtain? Where was the cheerful and industrious girl? I believe they should better wonder how many people she blamed of her stupidity and bad decisions.
Oh, how much I would want to raise my eyes and find an echo of my feelings in other eyes. Every step was painful and heavy. It weighed as the whole world, words were heavy, those sweet, emotional sentences I heard once, which were no more than mere jokes. Everything was heavy. She felt her entire body hurt.
- Do you have the courage to do it? -the inner demon asked her to feed her anguish. It is only a small step and everything will end.
She closed her eyes and remembered him, his aroma, his smile, his caressing voice, his words, his vain promises written in sand. She wished with all her heart to see him in front of her when she opened her eyes but she knew she would find just her desert again.
When she finally opened her eyes, she was in front of her building. The show must go on and she had to keep pretending everything's was fine, because that's the acceptable thing in this empty and hypocrite society. To pretend that social ostracism when you don't fit in the rules doesn't matter. To pretend that life is okay just for having food, a roof, and clothes. Many will say that there are too much people in this world suffering from hunger and that is not good to be "selfish" and think just about emotional needs. Those are not true problems! You don't have to bother God with banalities!
She opened the door and with her best serious expression entered the office and began the routine of filling envelopes and more envelopes and, in this way, make her small contribution to the culture of consumption called economic development. She had to leave the emotional turbulences that consumed her behind because she couldn't afford risking losing her job.
The boring routine began again…
It was a fleeting scene but it made her to make a serious decision: No more sensibility! But she knew very well that it was easier to say it than to do it. Where would she find the strength not to follow her heart when she got so excited talking to any boy? Could she be able to repress those hopes that arose when a guy smiled to her or when a guy offered her a flower that was no more than a sympathy gesture?
She was aware of how much her life resembled the stories she read in those useless novels. How could she stop being a dependent person?
Her thoughts made her to miss her usual stop and she realized she was lost. Her daily journey was a mechanical, learned routine. She hadn't gone beyond the stop in front of the gray building, without windows, where their office was situated. So, that mistake made her lose the little emotional stability she still possessed. Part of that stability and the fictitious security she showed every day was based on the knowledge of "her turf". Now she didn't know how to behave. Her mask was falling. It was already very late and it seemed that everybody was late for work that day. Damn the Guatemalan time…!
Guatemalan time was not a part of her life. Her life was perfect, meticulous, detailed. Knowing that she was very meticulous, she couldn't understand how she could let herself to be lost in her thoughts because of the stupid question of sensibility.
She forced herself to find her way in the tangle of streets and avenues of the city. The idiotic boss would scream at her for the first time and those lovely co-workers would gossip about her behind her back as they did with everybody.
That tangle of avenues and streets, complemented with a flood of ice and masks made her feel even more embarrassed. She didn't want to look up and watch the people who passed by her. Those mirror-lives made her to go even deeper into her emotional torture. Did somebody force her to carry out that stupid, annoying, boring routine?
She knew that there was an abyss at her feet and that it was just a matter of one movement and she could drown herself forever in that emptiness. Wasn't it what she yearned so much? To get lost forever in her intimate and loved anonymity. They maybe would bury her as a Jane Doe and in that way, it would avoid her family to feel ashamed of her existential emptiness.
Even in those circumstances, she could show some of her once-famed brilliant intelligence, always praised by all those that knew her. She was remembered with pain and pity. - Poor girl - they used to say - so intelligent when she was a child, we all thought she would go beyond any of us.
Where was the brilliant career they seemed to think she would obtain? Where was the cheerful and industrious girl? I believe they should better wonder how many people she blamed of her stupidity and bad decisions.
Oh, how much I would want to raise my eyes and find an echo of my feelings in other eyes. Every step was painful and heavy. It weighed as the whole world, words were heavy, those sweet, emotional sentences I heard once, which were no more than mere jokes. Everything was heavy. She felt her entire body hurt.
- Do you have the courage to do it? -the inner demon asked her to feed her anguish. It is only a small step and everything will end.
She closed her eyes and remembered him, his aroma, his smile, his caressing voice, his words, his vain promises written in sand. She wished with all her heart to see him in front of her when she opened her eyes but she knew she would find just her desert again.
When she finally opened her eyes, she was in front of her building. The show must go on and she had to keep pretending everything's was fine, because that's the acceptable thing in this empty and hypocrite society. To pretend that social ostracism when you don't fit in the rules doesn't matter. To pretend that life is okay just for having food, a roof, and clothes. Many will say that there are too much people in this world suffering from hunger and that is not good to be "selfish" and think just about emotional needs. Those are not true problems! You don't have to bother God with banalities!
She opened the door and with her best serious expression entered the office and began the routine of filling envelopes and more envelopes and, in this way, make her small contribution to the culture of consumption called economic development. She had to leave the emotional turbulences that consumed her behind because she couldn't afford risking losing her job.
The boring routine began again…
6 comments:
You know, now i'm the one who feels in touch with this very singular post. keeps bringin' memories of somebody i know: me... Routine sux but, as you say, i gues pretending is the only way to survive in this world, i mean, when you have this particular connection with your inside...
Great words!!
See 'ya!!
Axel... Yep, you're so right!!! Not showing your real you is, sometimes, the best way to protect yourself... :)
Thanks for your words!!!
that kind of text are the best inspiration of life and show us a very speacial part of you..
Black Wizard... I didn't know you speak English... ;) Thanks a lot for your words... I'm just trying to survive... sometimes...
I welcome your deep thoughts and images, now available in english. It's pretty liberating to have a second blog, right?
My dear Duffman... thanks for your words!!! And yes, I totally agree with you... but, sometimes, it gets overwhelming... LOL ;)
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